


Fake Dating to Win Friends and Influence People

by phonecallfromgod



Category: The Social Network (2010)
Genre: Fake/Pretend Relationship, Frenemies, Lying for the Greater Good, M/M, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:55:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24290917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phonecallfromgod/pseuds/phonecallfromgod
Summary: Mark and Divya hook-up, hit TMZ, and realize that pretending to date in order to get the attention of the guys they actually like might be morally dubious, but you can't knock its effectiveness.
Relationships: Divya Narendra/Cameron Winklevoss, Eduardo Saverin/Mark Zuckerberg, Mark Zuckerberg & Divya Narendra, Minor or Background Relationship(s)
Comments: 26
Kudos: 110





	Fake Dating to Win Friends and Influence People

**Author's Note:**

> Everything in this fic is of course a fabrication of my imagination except for the Dustin & Winklevoss twins Burning Man reconciliation which did actually happen

Mark Zuckerberg’s house is nicer than Divya would have expected. 

Not that he spends a lot of time imagining what Mark Zuckerberg’s house would look like, but something harsh and sharp for sure. Cutting edge but cold. 

Divya wonders if Mark just bought the closest thing he could find to his parents house, the whole thing giving off a very sitcom family vibe with soft butter-yellow walls and warm hardwood floors. 

The fridge is entirely empty though, which ruins the illusion somewhat.

“We could get lunch,” Mark says, not looking up from what Divya assumes is some kind of very important Facebook coding. The twins were always the programming end of their project, Divya’s just the business guy. 

“You want to get lunch?” Divya says. 

“It’s not a date, calm down,” Mark says, shutting his computer, sounding more offended than anyone who’s had Divya’s dick in his mouth really has any right to. 

“Sure, alright,” Divya says, because he’s hungry, and because he already slept with the guy, it’s not like lunch is any more of a commitment than that. 

The photos of their lunch not-date hit TMZ. And while for the average person Mark Zuckerberg out and about might be absolute bottom of the barrel, it’s buzzy enough in the tech world that Divya gets a lot of texts and emails. Some are subtle and some very not-subtle asking why exactly he was out getting protein bowls with a certain billionaire he sued for intellectual property theft. 

The Winklevoss twins hit exactly opposite ends of that spectrum. 

_Dude wtf?_ Tyler texts him, a screenshot of one of the photos attached. 

_I miss you! Let’s call soon, looks like you’ve been up to some fun stuff. I’ve got a ton of availability next week, let me know we’ll set something up_ , Cameron emails him. 

_It was just lunch_ , Divya texts Tyler back. _Is Cam mad?_

_Let’s talk Tuesday, 8pm your time?_ Divya emails Cameron, and puts it into his phone, email, and paper planner. 

Then he texts Mark Zuckerberg to see if he’s going to that Tech Luminary conference next weekend. He’s not stupid enough to mistake correlation for causation, but hey, never a bad idea to test a theory. 

Mark and Divya are sitting at the same Starbucks table, checking their work emails on their respective work phones and not talking to each other when Eduardo Saverin walks up. 

“Mark,” he says, and Divya watches Mark do this weird little shoulder lurch before smoothing himself back out into the calm, slightly robotic tech genius persona he’s been wheeling around the conference all weekend. 

“Eduardo,” Mark says, and then after an awkward moment, “You know Divya.” 

“Yeah, hi,” Eduardo says, not even looking over at Divya which okay, a bit rude. “Mark, can I talk to you for a second?” 

Mark looks over at Divya, who just gives a half-hearted shrug. 

“Sure, alright,” Mark says, and follows after Eduardo. 

Divya goes back to the email he was composing to Cam, trying to find the perfect way to casually drop that he’s at the conference with Mark Zuckerberg without coming right out and saying he’s at the conference with Mark Zuckerberg. 

He’s still toying with it when Mark returns to the table, Eduardo-less and looking a little, well frankly, shell-shocked. 

Divya gives him a look over his phone. “What? What’d he say?” 

Mark shakes his head. “He wanted to know ‘how I was doing.’” 

“That’s it?” 

“He wants to get drinks later,” Mark says in the same hollow punched out tone. “And ‘catch up.’” 

“I don’t,” Divya makes a vague hand-gesture, “I really don’t have a frame of reference for any of this.” Because yeah on the one hand Eduardo had sued him, but on the other hand, Divya had sat through Eduardo testifying at their depositions and as much as there was clearly bad blood between them, it was less than he would have expected. Eduardo practically threw himself on the sword to protect Mark more than once, so Divya’s not exactly shocked that they’re on semi-speaking terms. 

“We don’t ‘catch up,’” Mark says. “Eduardo doesn’t want to talk to me. Usually.” 

“Huh,” Divya says, but he can tell Mark’s not really listening, something spinning behind his eyes like a slot machine. 

“I have a panel I need to be on at 4:30,” he says finally. “That’s enough time to have sex right?” 

“Wow, you really know how to sweep a guy off his feet,” Divya says, but he hastily finishes off his email to Cam and chugs the rest of his now lukewarm coffee as Mark stands. 

And hey, if Mark has a noticeable hickey in the photos from the panel, it’s just a win-win scenario for all of them involved. 

Divya has a meeting in New York City a week after the conference, and for the first time in what feels like a long time, instead of playing telephone tag for a week and then agreeing that they’ll have to make it up next time he’s around, he has a firm lunch date with both of the twins the day he flies in. 

Divya had thought they’d at least wait until after they’d ordered to start interrogating him, but Tyler jumps into him before he’s even decided what he wants to order. 

“I’m not going to beat around the bush— ” Tyler starts. 

“Ty…” Cameron interrupts half-heartedly.

“ —Is there an announcement about your love life you’d like to inform us about?” 

“That sounded kind of like beating around the bush,” Divya says. “Have either of you had the risotto here? I’m so picky about risotto. No one does it right in California.” 

“Maybe that’s a sign you need to move back to the East Coast,” Cameron says, rearranging his cutlery. 

“Very subtle,” Divya says, and when they make eye contact over the top of the menu Divya forgets for a moment that Tyler is sitting right there with them. 

But only for a moment. 

“Dude c’mon,” Tyler whines. “We’re not going to be _mad_ if you’re sleeping with the dude who totally fucked us over. Well okay, maybe we’ll be a _little_ mad, but that seems fair.” 

“See you’re really not enticing me to answer this question,” Divya says. 

“We just want you to be happy,” Cameron says, and Tyler groans loudly so Divya doesn’t have to. A server arrives just then, putting them all out of their misery. 

Cam orders the risotto and Divya gets the fettuccine primavera instead. 

The conversation shifts after that, at least until Cameron gets up to go to the restroom and Tyler kicks at Divya’s foot under the table. Shiny dress shoe meeting shiny dress shoe. 

“You’re driving Cam crazy, you know that right?” 

“I haven’t done anything.” 

“You’re so full of shit Div,” Tyler says, leaning back in his chair. “Look, fuck whoever you want, but don’t come crying to me when it blows up in your face because he’s a snake. I already have to deal with Cam crying to me about it.” 

He knows it’s not a _nice_ reaction but his heart does kind of flutter a little at the thought. 

“Sure, okay bro,” Divya says instead, and texts Mark under the table to see when he’s free when Divya gets back. 

“So what’s the deal with you and Thing 1 anyways?” Mark asks, which is really not the tone Divya would have wanted to set for this post-coital come down, but if he wanted someone with tact he shouldn’t have slept with Mark Zuckerberg so this is his own fault. 

“Who?” Divya says, instead, pulling the duvet up because he’s cold and it’s a convenient place to wipe his hand. 

“Don’t play stupid, we all know you were the brains of that operation.” 

“That’s not even remotely true,” Divya retorts, rolling over. Mark pokes him in the back. 

“You can’t sleep here.” 

“I’m not, I’m resting my eyes. Shut the fuck up.” 

Mark does go silent after that, and even though Divya can hear him tapping on his phone, he doesn’t trust Mark Zuckerberg going that quiet. 

“It’s Cameron,” Mark says confidently and Divya rolls over to glare at him. 

“You can top next time, asshole,” Divya huffs. “How did you even— he doesn’t even _have_ Facebook.” 

“I just looked up their names and picked one. It was a 50/50 chance and your reaction confirmed it.” 

“Oh fuck off,” Divya says even as he laughs a little, getting out of bed and scrounging around for his clothes. “God your robo-wunderkind act gets old quick.” 

“It’s not an act,” Mark says. “I just like knowing what I’m dealing with. If you want to use me to make him jealous that’s fine, but at least have the decency to tell me Divya.” 

“Oh yeah, because you were _so_ upfront about needing that hickey for Eduardo,” Divya says, pulling his pants back on. 

Mark cocks his head. “For Eduardo?” 

“Why don’t we just say I’m the pot and you’re the kettle and call it a day,” Divya says. “How’d your drinks go, anyways.” 

“Like you care.” 

“I’m asking, fuck if I know why, but I’m asking.” Which isn’t entirely true. Divya has wondered since the depositions what exactly Mark and Eduardo’s deal was, because they gave off some of the most intense scorned lover vibes Divya has ever had the misfortune to witness. 

“It was good,” Mark says, knees pulled up to his chest. “We’re having lunch.” 

“Well hey, be careful,” Divya says, adjusting his belt. “I went to lunch with this dude I hooked up with once and now he’s using me to make his ex jealous.” 

Mark’s eyebrows crinkle. “My ex?” 

Divya waves a hand. “Please, save the backstory.” 

“You think I’ve had sex with Wardo,” he says, not a question. 

“Mark, I don’t really care,” Divya says. “But yeah, I thought maybe.” 

“Well we haven’t.” 

“Congratulations.” 

“I mean there was the time at the bar. But that wasn’t really. He was getting a blowjob in one stall and I was getting a blowjob in another. His ex-girlfriend and her friend. So that’s not. It’s not _together_.” 

Divya stops trying to do up the button on his cuffs. “Right but you could— You _knew_ it was happening, you could hear each other.” 

“Yeah.” 

“That’s group sex, dude. Congrats, you’ve had sex with 50% of your lawsuit plaintiffs.” 

“That’s ridiculous.” 

Divya shrugs. “Hey, no judgment, I had a threesome in high school.” 

“It wasn’t group sex. I did not have group sex with Eduardo.” 

“Alright, whatever,” Divya says, grabbing his phone from the bedside table. “Good night, Mark.” 

“Same time next week,” Mark calls after him and it’s not a question. 

Which is fine, Divya already has it in his calender. 

“Okay, you’ve made your point, can you please stop?” Tyler says over the phone after pictures of Mark and Divya holding hands outside the Facebook offices make the rounds. 

“What point would that be?” Divya says, holding the phone with his shoulder and digging around for the leftover Chinese food in his fridge.

“Div- _ya_ ,” Tyler says, somehow managing to convey _oh my god will you and Cameron get your act together all three of us know you have more than friendly feelings neither of you will make the first move about and throwing Zuckerberg in his face is not helping_ using only the second syllable of his name. 

“Hey you’ll never guess who I’m going to the engagement party of,” Divya says, because he’s always been better at deflection than at counter arguments. 

“I don’t know Divya, who.” 

“Your buddy Dustin Moskovitz.” 

“ _What_!?” 

“Yeah that was my reaction too,” Divya says, digging through his cutlery drawer because he’s all out of disposable chopsticks. He’s going to have to eat his leftover chow mein with a fork like an animal. 

“Well he probably wants to know what the fuck is up with you and Zuckerberg,” Tyler says huffily. 

“I thought you’d be pleased, I thought you guys were all buddy-buddy after Burning Man.” Divya was fuzzy on the details but he knows it involved a lot of group hugging, a grilled cheese party, and a helicopter. 

“That is a _sacred space_ ,” Tyler argues. “Plus, it’s not like Moskovitz ever directly fucked us. Unlike some other people I could name.” 

Divya debates letting Tyler know that it’s like pulling teeth to get Mark to top, but that seems like splitting hairs. 

“I gotta go,” Divya says, even though he doesn’t really. “Tell your folks I said hi.” 

“Fine, but I’m not telling Cameron about the stupid party,” Tyler huffs, and then hangs up. 

Divya is well aware that he was only invited to this party because Mark’s inner circle are starting to wonder what exactly the two of them are up to. But that doesn’t mean he can’t use it as an opportunity to schmooze. Facebook had always been a no-go zone for him professionally, and he’s not sure how long this door is going to be open, so he’s going use this time to make the best impression he can. 

Which means he does show up in a nice but still casual outfit, with a thoughtful and tasteful hostess gift and a bottle of wine that he actually did research on and didn’t just pick based on the label. 

“Oh my god,” Mark says, giving him a once-over. “Is your story that you’re fucking me or trying to get into bed with the happy couple.” 

“I’m making a good impression,” Divya hisses. “Hold my fucking hand.” 

“So!” Dustin says, after handshakes and polite small talk and gift-giving. “What’s uh, how did you guys uh, meet then?” 

“His friends asked me to design a stupid website,” Mark says. 

“He was giving a keynote at a conference, I was there, we bumped into each other, got a drink, started talking…” Divya shrugs. “Honestly it’s pretty boring.” 

“So you two are like….” Dustin waves a hand promptingly. 

“Dating,” Mark says, too quickly. “We’re dating.” 

Which is _not_ the story they’d agreed on during the drive over, which was ‘it’s new and we’re not putting a label on anything yet.’ Divya’s turning to give Mark an absolutely scathing look when he sees that Mark is paying very little attention to this conversation. Eyes cast off across the party where Dustin’s fiancee is talking to one Eduardo Saverin. 

Christ, okay, here they go. 

“Mark, why don’t you go say hi,” Divya prompts, because honestly this con is so much easier to pull off when Mark isn’t there to contradict him. 

Dustin looks over his shoulder. “Oh! Wardo made it! Actually he did ask if you were coming, funnily enough.” 

“That’s great,” Divya says. “Seriously, go say hi.” 

“I guess I could,” Mark says finally. “I mean, that would be okay, right?” 

“Totally dude!” Dustin says, looking like a child of divorce who thinks his parents might actually get back together. “Don’t worry, I won’t say anything too embarrassing to Divya while you’re gone.” 

Mark doesn’t need to be told twice, slouching off through the party towards Eduardo. 

“So how’d you and your fiancee meet?” Divya asks, because he is a polite and hospitable motherfucker when he needs to be. 

“Actually it was through Mark. They got a drink together that didn’t go anywhere, way back in the TheFacebook days,” Dustin says, and then winces. “Um, sorry.” 

“It’s fine,” Divya says. “Mark paid me sixty-five million to not hold a grudge.” 

(He still does anyways, but that’s not something to bring up in polite company) 

“Um yeah anyways, Mark brought her back to our dorm and— oh hello I was just talking about you,” Dustin says as Alice comes over and sidles alongside him, an easy embrace, hands meeting on top of his shoulder as one goes behind his back and the other over his chest. 

“About me?” she says. 

“Yes I was just saying how Mark brought the most _beautiful girl_ in the _world_ to our dorm— ” 

“ —Oh my god, stop. Divya he’s such a sap don’t listen to him— ” 

“ —And I was far too chicken to ask her out, but I did Facebook her. Smartest decision I ever made, well maybe after offering to show her around when she moved out here.” 

“I think you make a lot of smart decisions,” Alice says, and they’re doing that couple thing where they’re mostly just talking to each other and making googly-eyes, so Divya’s going to take that as his cue to make a polite exit. 

Divya can only make polite small talk with people he doesn’t know for so long, so he abandons a conversation about hashtag indexing he was barely following anyways and goes to find Mark. 

Divya spots him in a secluded little hallway, pressed against the wall and looking up sweetly at Eduardo who is leaned very close telling him a story. Divya remembers from one of his business networking workshops he attended way back in the day that there was a cultural divide when it came to ideas about personal space. But even accounting for Eduardo being Brazillian, it’s a pretty cozy scene. 

Perfect timing. 

“Mark,” Divya says, stepping into the hallway and watching as Eduardo takes a full half step back. “Hey, I’ve been looking for you.” 

“We’re just talking,” Eduardo says, too fast. 

“Don’t you have a non-disclosure agreement?” Divya asks. 

“Don’t _you_ have a non-disclosure agreement,” Eduardo snaps back childishly. Divya honestly should be getting some kind of service to the community medal for this. 

“We were just talking about Kirkland stuff,” Mark says, and his voice is flat but his mouth and eyes are so soft. “Eduardo’s crazy ex.” 

“She wasn’t that bad…” 

“She almost set you on fire.” 

“That’s...you’re making it sound worse than it was.” 

“How do you make setting something on fire worse than it was, Wardo? I think that’s pretty bad.” 

“Yeah alright,” Eduardo concedes, and then seems to remember again that Divya is standing right there. “My ex was friends with Alice,” he says by way of explanation. 

“Crazy Christy,” Mark says and Eduardo laughs. 

“You shouldn’t— That’s not nice,” he rubs a hand over his forehead. “God I can’t believe we’re in a hallway talking about Christy, this is— ” 

“ —In the hallway yeah,” Mark says, and they’re making soft eyes at each other again. 

Which means it’s time for them to go. 

“Mark, I’ve got that meeting in the morning,” Divya says flatly. “I need you to drive me home.” 

Mark’s eyes narrow just slightly, _what the fuck are you doing_? “Right now?” 

“Trust me,” Divya says. “We should go. Meet me out front in five? I’m going to say goodnight to Dustin.” 

Divya can tell Mark wants to argue back, but he doesn’t, and five minutes later, looking like a pissed off kid who has to leave the birthday party early, stalks over to where Divya is waiting by the front door, schmoozing the absolute pants off of Dustin and Alice. 

“Don’t sulk,” Divya says when they’re in the car. 

“It was going well, why are we leaving.” 

“Rule number one, leave while things are still going well. Haven’t you ever heard of ‘leave them wanting more’?” 

Mark makes a noise somewhere between a scoff and an exhale and changes the subject. “I think you’re wrong about the group sex thing.” 

Oh great, this again. 

“Especially because it would be very awkward for Dustin to be marrying the girl me and Eduardo had group sex with. Allegedly.” 

Divya almost wishes he was drinking something because the only appropriate response to any of this feels like a spit take, but he’s not, so he just settles on spluttering, “Alice was the girl from your _group sex_.” 

Mark gives him a little sideways glance like he’s slow on the uptake. “It wasn’t group sex but yeah. Her friend Christy, that’s Eduardo’s ex, she was the other one.” 

“I can’t believe you had group sex with the girl your friend is about to _marry_ , isn’t he your best friend?” 

“Wardo’s my best friend,” Mark says, like that makes any of this remotely less weird. 

Divya’s not sure Eduardo would say the same about Mark. But after the way they were looking in the hallway earlier, there’s definitely a lot more going on than bitter rivals scorned by a legal battle. So Divya’s going to chalk the party up as a win. And that’s even before the photos. 

Dustin posts photos from the party on his Facebook page and tags Divya in a few. Nothing too incriminating, but a few of him and Mark standing close together, Divya’s hand on his elbow in one. 

Dustin is Facebook friends with one Tyler H. Winklevoss. 

Twelve hours after the photos go live Divya gets an email that Cameron has a super important conference in the area he absolutely can’t miss, and would Divya want to get dinner since he’s in town? 

Say what you will about Divya’s methods, but you can’t deny that they’re effective. 

It’s Thursday, which is usually the day Mark and Divya fuck, but Divya’s not really in the mood and he can tell Mark isn’t really either, so they end up ordering a pizza and watching some cheesy action movie on pay-per-view. 

Somewhere around the mid-point of the movie, when Mark gets up to get a beer and comes back with one for both of them, Divya realizes horrifically that he might be friends with Mark Zuckerberg. The thought alone puts him right off his fifth slice. Though he does drink the beer, even if it’s shitty Heineken, tasting exactly like a college party. 

“Eduardo wants to take me on a wine tour,” Mark says when he sits back down. 

“Before or after your tasteful lesbian commitment ceremony?” 

“Ha ha. He has to go for work and he got a plus one.” 

“You don’t sound thrilled about it.” 

“He doesn’t like you.” 

Divya shrugs. “I thought that was sort of the point. Think how happy he’ll be when I break your heart.” 

“Why do you get to break _my_ heart,” Mark says, sounding put out. 

“I mean hey, if you wanna try and win him back by telling him you were the asshole in the breakup, you can be my guest.” 

Mark considers this for a long moment, picking up Divya’s discarded plate and eating his last slice. “Yeah, I guess you’re right. It’s better if you ran off to New England to fuck some guy who rows crew. I mean that’s the plan right?” 

“We’re not talking about me and Cam right now.” 

“I just can’t imagine being attracted to anyone who wears a Harvard Crest tie unironically.” 

“His dad went to community college. The Ivies were a big step up for his family, fuck off just because _you_ didn’t care about getting a Harvard degree,” Divya says way too fast and it’s the sloppy brick on the top of the Jenga tower that sends everything sprawling down right into Mark’s lap. He sits up a little further and blinks at Divya, head cocking every so slightly. 

“Oh you like. You _love him_ -love him.” 

“Shut up. Shut the fuck up Mark.” 

“That’s stupid,” Mark says, taking another bite of (Divya’s) pizza. “Isn’t he your best friend? And it’s not like you sued him. Why the fuck are you even doing this?” 

“Shockingly there’s more obstacles to two people getting together than litigation.” 

“Well sure,” Mark says in that stupidly obnoxious way he does that just absolutely goads you into giving him exactly what he wants. 

Divya is not going to argue back, he is not going to argue back, he is not going to—

“We have history,” Divya says, even though history is maybe over-stating it. A series of near misses is perhaps a more accurate way of putting it. So many times when they almost _almost_ did but then— there was too much on the line, too much to lose, too much Tyler standing like three feet away. 

Mostly the last one if he’s being honest. 

Tyler’s never had any sense of timing. 

“Look,” Divya says. “Clearly just standing around near him being available wasn’t enough, so I’m trying a different approach. It’s tactful.” 

“You’re right,” Mark agrees. “This is definitely the logical next step.” 

Divya really can’t tell if he’s being sarcastic or sincere. 

Cameron’s wearing his date cologne when he meets Divya at the restaurant, so Divya’s already counting this dinner as a huge win. 

“You smell good,” Divya says, after Cameron lets him out of their slightly-too-long to-be-strictly-platonic hug because he’s riding too high for subtlety. 

Cam scoffs. “I don’t trust how complementary you get when you haven’t seen me in a while.” 

“Alright, compliment rescinded. That tie doesn’t go with that jacket.” 

“I missed you too,” Cam says. “For the record.” 

“That’s great Cam, your posture is atrocious,” Divya says and Cam just grins at him over the top of his menu.

Cameron orders the fettuccine carbonara, and Divya gets a steak.

Without Tyler, it takes Cam until their entrees are set in front of them, or maybe more importantly two glasses of wine deep, for him to bring up Mark. 

“So,” Cameron says with faux-nonchalance. “Seems like you’ve been seeing a lot of Zuckerberg, that must be interesting.” 

“How so?” 

Cam cocks his head disbelievingly, and alright Divya played too stupid on that one, that’s fair. 

“I don’t really know a lot of people out here,” Divya settles on instead. 

“That must be hard,” Cameron says. 

“Yeah, not a lot of options.” 

“Yes, but surely you have _more_ options than just him.” 

“Like who?” 

“Well for starters,” Cameron says. “Someone who you don’t have a legal history with.” Not ‘who you sued,’ which would be too gauche a thing for Cameron ‘Let’s gut the friggin’ nerd’ Winklevoss to say over dinner. 

God Divya wants to pull him into the coat room and ravish him. 

“So you think it’s a bad idea then?” 

“I think _most_ people would think it’s a bad idea.” 

“But what do you think, Cam,” Divya says. “I trust your judgment.” 

Cameron makes this face he makes when he gets caught off-guard having to pick a

restaurant, or when Divya had asked him if he should take the job in California in the first place. No commitment, just a lot of you should do what’s _best for you_ , don’t mind me, no horse in this race. Cam doesn’t want to pick a side, he never wants to pick a side even when it’s so brutally, desperately obvious that he cares, because picking a side means you can lose. 

“I— ” Cam starts, “I think you should do what makes you happy.” 

“That’s what you think?” 

“That’s what I think,” Cameron echoes. “I just want you to be happy.” 

“Awesome,” Divya says, and he’s not happy even a little bit. 

If Divya and Mark are actually kind of friends now, it’s a massive violation of the bro code for Divya to have to watch him canoodle up next to Eduardo Saverin at a classy hotel bar after the massive failure that was his dinner with Cam. 

Even if he’s at least glad, from a logistical perspective, that this scheme had achieved at least a 50% success rate. 

He’d be prepared for nothing but the lackluster consolation prize of going for post-dinner drinks with Cam at his hotel, getting a little too drunk, and then using that as an excuse to get extra touchy and crash for the night. 

Which already felt pretty pathetic before Mark fucking Zuckerberg was right there rubbing his Eduardo success right in Divya’s face. 

“What. _The fuck_ ,” Cameron snaps, which is enough to jar Divya right out of his self-pitying mental tangent. 

Cameron Winklevoss does not swear in public, he does not cause scenes, especially not in fancy hotel bars. That’s an objective fact, but it crashes against the sheer cliff face that is Cameron shouting, “Zuckerberg!” and striding over to where Mark and Eduardo are getting very cozy at a table for two. 

“I knew it!” Cameron snaps, jabbing a finger in Mark’s face, Mark looking appropriately startled for once in his life. “I knew it! I knew you weren’t good enough for Divya, you skeezy little _cheater_!” 

God it’s like his wildest (sex) dreams coming true right in front of him. 

“Alright okay, calm down,” Eduardo is trying. “We’re just having a drink, man. No one is cheating on anyone here.” 

“Right sure, just a big stupid jock who can’t put two and two together is that it? I’m just supposed to stand here and watch you make the moves on my best friend’s boyfriend!?” 

“Boyfriend?” Mark says and makes a face. 

_‘Do not blow this for me!’_ Divya mouths at him from behind Cam’s back, but Cam is too worked up to notice, wheeling back on Divya. 

“Div, you are my best friend in the whole fucking world and I want you to be happy. I promise I do, but for the love of _god_ you cannot seriously be dating the guy you _sued_. What are you _thinking_!? This is exactly why you can’t trust him!” 

“That’s not fair,” Eduardo is saying, “That’s not— people can make mistakes and forgive each other and move on! And Mark has lots of qualities that would make him an excellent boyfriend! Your friend should _be_ so fucking lucky!” 

“Wardo…” Mark says

“No! I’m not going to let some _guy_ say that you’re not good enough for his friend!” 

Oh holy shit. Zuckerberg is gonna get laid. 

Divya would try and catch his eye and shoot him a subtle thumbs up, but Mark is looking at Eduardo like there’s no one else in this hotel bar, especially not a very angry six foot five Olympian who could break Mark in half if he wanted to. And Cam kind of seems like he wants to.

“Divya,” Cameron says, eyes very soft and voice a mess. “You cannot, you can’t.” 

And while part of Divya wants to push him further, make him say why, just _ask_ , he knows what a concession this outburst already was for him. 

“Well I’m not,” Divya says, taking pity on him, because for all he’s a ruthless ambitious motherfucker, he’s kind of totally whipped when it comes to Cameron Winklevoss. 

“What!?” Cameron and Eduardo say in unison. 

“We were just hooking up, he’s not my boyfriend. Dear god Cam, who do you think I am?” 

“But, the pictures…” Cam says, and then Divya sees everything click. “Oh my god did you _con me_!?” 

“It’s not a con,” Divya says, “I never lied, you just never asked.” 

“I— ” Cameron says, blinks, and seems to realize what’s just transpired over the last three minutes. Emergency best behaviour mode activating, he turns to Mark and Eduardo,“I am. So sorry for interrupting your evening.” 

“Mark, what the hell is happening?” Eduardo says, looking fondly suspicious. 

Mark shrugs. “See, I told you that lots of normal people have weirder relationship baggage than us.” 

Divya would protest for the sake of his honour, but Cameron has a stupidly large hand around his wrist and is dragging him off in the direction of the elevator. 

“You are _unbelievable_ ,” Cam says when they’re safely shut behind the elevator doors, his quota for making a public scene clearly reached for the year. Maybe for the decade. Which is a pity, because it is pretty exciting to watch him fly off the handle. 

“Don’t be mad,” Divya says. “I know it wasn’t very nice, but— Cam you never say what you feel, you never tell me.” 

Cam looks at him and his eyes are so sad that for a second Divya feels guilty enough to just throw himself at Cameron’s feet and maybe give him a very nice apology blowjob while he’s down there. “I— it’s just really hard for me to ask for the things I want. You know that.” 

“I know,” Divya says. “I’ve watched you eat entirely the wrong entree before because you didn’t want to correct the server. Multiple times.” 

Cameron scoffs but he doesn’t argue back as the elevator dings at his floor, and they don’t say anything down the long winding optical illusion of a hallway. 

“Look,” Divya says, as Cam digs his room key out of his pocket. “I’m trying to make this as easy as possible for you but you’ve got to meet me part of the way, okay? So I’m gonna do my part.” 

“Wha-?” Cameron starts, and doesn’t finish as Divya leans up to kiss him right in the hallway of his room, door half open, as Cam drops the room key in surprise. Divya’s just about to pull away when Cam’s hands come up around the back of his neck, just holding him there as the door clangs shut behind them. 

And while on the one hand this has been way too fucking long coming, Divya can’t deny he really likes the fact that Tyler is on a whole other coast right now and not having to bear witness. 

Cam takes a very very long breath once he pulls away, squeezing his eyes shut tight like a little kid. Like if he looks at Divya it’ll be too much and he won’t be able to say it at all, “Divya, please don’t sleep with Mark Zuckerberg again.” 

“And?” 

“Please come home, why the fuck are you in California you don’t even drive.” 

“And?”

“You’re the worst person in the world but you’re also my favourite person in the world, so I don’t know what that says about me.” 

“I think it says you have great taste,” Divya says, going for his belt.

Cam squints at him. “What are you doing?” 

“I’m taking my clothes off, what does it look like I’m doing?” 

“Oh!” Cam says. “Okay!” 

“Here I’ll make this really easy for you,” Divya says, “You say, ‘Divya can I please rail you into next week,’ and then I say…” 

Cam turns a shade of pink as of yet undiscovered in nature, “Um? ‘Thank you’?” 

“Yeah sure, close enough,” Divya says, giving Cam a hard shove onto the mattress and climbing on top of him. 

Divya’s eating free continental breakfast the next morning from a balcony overlooking the pool, watching Cam do laps when Mark appears in the seat beside him with a plate of only danishes. 

“Nice hickeys,” Divya says. 

“His cock is bigger than yours.” 

“If I was the kind of person who cared about that I wouldn’t be dating someone who was six five, try again,” Divya says, leaning over and helping himself to one of Mark’s danishes. 

“Dating? Who’s having the tasteful lesbian commitment ceremony now?” Mark counters, but Divya’s not listening, whistling with two fingers as Cam pulls himself out of the water. Cam looks up from the pool deck, somehow both incredibly smug and incredibly embarrassed. 

“What about you and _Wardo_ ,” Divya says, “TMZ’s going to have a field day when they see you’ve hopped from one lawsuit plaintiff to the next.” 

“If he comes over here will you pretend to be wildly jealous?” 

“I mean I can try, but I don’t think it will be very convincing.” 

“Hmm, too bad,” Mark says, booting up his laptop. “We’re still on for Thursday nights though right? Minus the sex.” 

“Um actually,” Divya says. “I’ve decided to. I’m not staying in California.” 

“Oh?” 

“Yeah Cam’s dad’s firm is hiring and you know, consulting’s consulting I can basically work anywhere, it’s stupid to do it on the other side of the country for no reason.” 

“Oh. Yeah. Right,” Mark says. 

“I mean I’ll still be here this Thursday though,” Divya offers, and love really must fuck with people’s brains because he swears Mark perks up at that. 

“Yeah,” Mark says, looking a little pleased at that. “ _And_ I travel for work all the time. Maybe I could come stay with you guys if I’m ever in your neighbourhood. That’s what friends do right?” 

Divya blinks at him. “We’re not friends.” 

“We’re kind of friends,” Mark says, and Divya can’t think of a counter argument for that. 

And honestly, he doesn’t really mind at all. 

**Author's Note:**

> Like always a huge thanks to youshallnotfinditso and evol_love for always indulging me with their advice and beta skills when I roll up to the group chat with a new idea. Find me on tumblr where I'm also phonecallfromgod.


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